My Life As A Step

Transitions

“Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.”

King Whitney Jr.

I think I’ve felt all of these responses in a circular pattern throughout the many changes in my life recently. Becoming a stepmom can be scary, it can be exciting and it can fill you with purpose and hope. I’ve experienced a few different transitions recently that I thought I’d share. I’m not sure if they’re common milestones along the path, or unique to me and my situation. Regardless, I’m sure there’s plenty to learn or ponder in it all.

It’s not about me anymore.

A few months ago, something in me switched. For months I had been struggling with leading two lives - life with the kids around, and life to myself where I am the center of it all. I tried to keep boundaries and impose limits on my time and, honestly, ML’s time. I would get quite upset with every last minute change of plans because BM decided she needed ML to watch the kids an extra day, or that very night or whatever it may be. I would carefully protect the time I had with ML because it was MY time. I felt like there were things we couldn’t do when the kids were with us, like visit my family or go out for dinner. I needed “us” time and thought a strict division of time was the answer.

While I think it was healthy for me to ease into my new role and keep parts of my life separate for a while, I don’t think it was the best thing for me to try and limit times that the kids were with us or with ML. At the time, I didn’t realize how that may hurt the kids, but instead thought of it as some mathematical formula with clear divisions of time and space - her time with the kids and his time with the kids.

Well, like I said, something switched. I can’t attribute it to a specific experience or event. It just kind of happened. Suddenly I realized, they’re not ML’s kids only some of the time, they are his kids ALL OF THE TIME. And if I am going to be in his life, that means they are part of my life ALL OF THE TIME. And they come first. Period. So, if there is a last minute change of plans that might do away with a date night, but give ML more time with his kids, then that is perfectly okay. I realized I needed to be flexible and accept what may come up as though they were my own kids. I needed to put them first and embrace that my life is no longer just about me.

Along with time, I had also previously seen them staying with us on the weekends as though they were coming into my space and making a mess with my things and eating all my food and demanding all my attention. I would get upset about how much I had to clean up after them, or cook for them or whatever. But then I started to realize and tell myself, no the reality is actually something closer to: I am so lucky that every week I get a few days off to myself, where I don’t have to clean up after 4 monkeys or cook a ton of food or… Woohoo! 

I shared all of this with ML over dinner one evening and he was honestly quite relieved to hear it. He cares very much about my feelings and tries very hard to juggle all the pieces without hurting anyone. But, I know it weighed on him to turn down extra time with the kids from time to time. I think also he was relieved to see me let go of some of the stress and frustrations I had been holding onto.

Since that switch in my mind (and my heart), things have been so much smoother when it comes to last minute scheduling with the kids or unexpected events. I am not stressed out by it for the most part, and we are able to spend more time with them. And, we are getting better about making the most of our time together when the kids are here too - making sure we connect throughout the day, play together with the kids, and that sort of thing. I am so thankful I had this realization and change of heart. It has worked wonders for my sanity.

No, for real, it’s seriously not really about me anymore.

Ha! Yeah, I thought I’d finally started to get it. And then, a couple of weeks ago, we officially got engaged! Yay! I am so excited! ML is an amazing man, partner and friend. I can’t imagine my life without him. And, I’m even in love with the little monkeys, as wild and dirty as they may be. :) 

So, we’re basically already married. We live together, co-parent the kids when we’re together, and more or less have a functioning, happy step-home. So, putting a ring on it wouldn’t really change much, right? Well, mostly right. 

When ML shared the news with the kids, at first they were a bit apprehensive. They all like me, but had concerns that things would change - that I would become bossy (haha, because I’m not already!?), that we would have a baby, that their mom would be mad… But we assured them nothing will really change, except for I will technically be their stepmom now. And after a while they became excited. Actually, very excited. Their behavior was unexpected as they all began to shower me with hugs and cuddles and talk of becoming their stepmom. They wanted to come up with a nickname for me and thought I should do the same for them. They wanted to help plan the party. It was a bit overwhelming at first, but it was great to see how comfortable they felt about it. I think, for the older two in particular, knowing that I will now officially be part of the family puts them at ease a bit and makes them feel like they can be themselves and like me regardless of what their mom thinks.

Breaking the news to their mom was a bit traumatic as she did lose her marbles. Thankfully, we had the kids with us for several days and it helped keep them from hearing a lot (though not all) of the crazy rage. It was quite an emotional roller coaster of a week for me.

And then, I started to think about what I had gotten myself into. Ha! How many times have you thought about that?? :)

And maybe you’ve been here, maybe you haven’t, but I really started to feel the weight of becoming a stepMOM to these four kids. Nothing is really changing, but oh my is it changing. I will become even more officially responsible in one fashion or another for these little lives as they grow and learn and become adults. Their school may notate my information for reference.. or the doctor.. or not. The kids themselves will certainly look to me as more of a mother figure at times. The choices I make in my life will affect them more than ever before - where we live, how we make a living, what we do together, what we teach them (or don’t)… I will be responsible for part of their character and experience. They will be a part of my life and MY LEGACY forever. 

These are things I had sort of thought about before, but never really gotten. And I think I’m still only starting to truly understand.

Honestly, it’s quite weighty. It makes me nervous and a bit scared - how will I make good decisions, will I treat them right, will I teach them the important things, will they love me some day? It also makes me a bit excited and hopeful - we will build relationships, we will share experiences, they will remember me and what I did/shared/taught them, I can teach them about the things I care about. Wow. What an amazing, unique, unpredictable journey ahead of me. My legs are a little shaky.

Hello? Anyone? Are you listening!?

My life has changed so much in the last year. And it doesn’t show signs of slowing down anytime soon. It can be overwhelming at times, and every new experience leaves me feeling less and less able to connect with my “old” friends. I feel more and more alone sometimes when I’m dealing with or thinking about everything.

I’ve tried talking to even my closest friends about what I’m going through, or even just day to day things, but sometimes it’s just more frustrating because they just don’t get it. A lot of the time I have to try and explain things that are much too complicated to explain and I end up leaving the conversation worse off than when I entered it.

Blogging helps some, but I hardly have time for it. Reading different blogs and books and Stepmom Magazine helps too, but it’s not the same as sitting down with someone and getting to let out a good, “I KNOW!”

And so, I’ve decided it’s time to get over the fears and reach out to my local stepmom support group. To this point I have been nervous about what it would be like and if I may encounter more negativity than I desire. But, fact is, I need to meet people who get it!

Thanks to you all for enduring the length of this post. :) And for following my journey and for your messages. Hopefully you can take some encouragement away from knowing YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Title Optional

I was daydreaming today. About a big en suite master bath with soundproof walls and a huge tub. And a little reading nook tucked away in a comfy private bedroom. And a house big enough to fool me into thinking I’m alone when there are four loud, whiny, fighting kids running around in it. I used to want an old historic home with unique architecture and lots of charm. Now I understand why people want to buy the new big house with lots of sound-absorbent carpet padding and s-p-a-c-e.

I was also trying to remember my single days and what it was like to live alone. No one to misplace my things or destroy my stuff or make a mess or interrupt my activities or pee on my toilet seat. Those were some pretty great days… Ha!

We’ve had the kids non-stop for a week so far, and they’re staying until Sunday. I watched all four of them by myself for the first time yesterday, and the second today. It went ok, yesterday was definitely smoother than today as my patience was much shorter today from extensive use yesterday. I feel a bit guilty about not being a super-stepmom from the beginning…I mean, I should be one, right? Can’t let the stereotype “evil” win. But then I remember, oh yeah, not so long ago I was just a single girl concerned with my own life and my own problems and my own joys. All of a sudden I’ve got four needy little ones who aren’t even mine but now control the majority of my life and demand every last bit of what I’ve got in me. It’s understandably a bit of a tough transition.

I never even wanted four kids of my own. I always thought two was a good number. How did I get “so lucky” to meet Mr. Right + Four? I wonder sometimes if this whole stepmom thing would be easier if there were only two of them.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my stepkids. And I’ve always been a “kid person” having become an aunt when I was 5 and being known as “the girl with a baby on her hip” when I was a teenager. The mother in me is quite alive and natural. And, honestly, I’m probably way more suited to this situation than most of the people I know.

But. We all know the “but.” 

You know, I can feel myself changing. Growing, stretching, learning. It’s so intense these days I don’t even want to talk to my friends, even my best of friends. I feel like I don’t even know where to start, or like they could ever begin to understand. I feel like a completely different person.

A Weekend in the Twilight Zone

I haven’t talked a whole lot about the struggles we’ve faced as a couple and “family” with my stepkids’ mom. I prefer not to focus on her. Or her crazy rantings. Because the depth of drama she creates is so unrealistic and accomplishes very little. And with every day she is usually well past whatever drama she had yesterday and onto something new.

A summary of life with her is…. she’s not a fan of me (for no reason other than I am her ex’s new woman). She hates not being in control of me or what our life is here or what we do or don’t do with the children. (And I’m not talking life-changing, important things that affect the kids - I don’t usually stake any claim to those things - I’m talking about activities or outings or gifts or meeting friends, etc etc.) She cannot begin a civil discussion about things, instead she prefers to yell and accuse and be loud and bossy about what will and will not be. And she’s usually very over the top with her threats, always pulling back a couple of days later, pretending like nothing happened. She claims not to care that I am here or around, but then argues with ML about tiny little things having to do with me and the kids. 

We try very hard to be realistic. We have learned that if we create boundaries we feel are appropriate for our family, that is the best thing…regardless of what she has to say. We think about the good of the kids and make our decisions of my involvement based on that. However, I do try to take her feelings into account and be respectful of things that seem to be very important to her - like not taking a strong disciplinary role with the kids. But we are ALL still learning, and it can be quite exhausting making progress with someone who’s initial reaction to anything is to be loud, dramatic and unrealistic.

This last week BM was quite upset about ML not being able to take the kids for an extra day this weekend so that she could have a day to herself. That started her on a rant that lasted a couple of days, sending him long texts and going on and on by phone more than once …. claiming he never sees the kids, that he doesn’t want to see them, that he never does anything with them, that she will keep them from him if that’s what he wants, and on and on with ridiculous claims… (the truth is that he is with the kids 4-5 days a week and sees them a lot more than he sees me in a week, and he loves every minute of it and wouldn’t trade it for anything).

Then, she brought me into it and actually sent me a very long text about not “punishing” her kids and not “playing mom”…. both subjects we’ve been over again and again. I’m not sure what she meant by “punish”, but the extent of my disciplinary involvement at this point includes taking away squares and very rarely putting the 4yr old in timeout, all other discipline I leave to their dad. And, as far as “playing mom”…this woman somehow expects me to care for her kids and be their friend without actually caring for them or being their friend. ??? We’ve explained to her multiple times how I am not trying to be their mom or take her place or anything of the sort. And, honestly, she’s made progress in understanding this. But, I know it’s got to be hard, letting another woman care for your kids.

We have only ever spoken to each other a couple of times in the past - once in person and then only by text. So it was quite unusual to receive a text from her. I took a little time to think about things and then decided I should speak for myself, instead of letting ML talk to her for me. I wrote her back a long and thoughtful message, trying to be very respectful, calm and non-confrontational. I told her I didn’t want to fight and that I really wished we could be open in communicating about the kids. We went back and forth a couple of times and actually kind of had a heart to heart about the kids and communicating and all of it…. I was stunned. A bit nervous to feel any sort of accomplishment or satisfaction from the extremely unusual positive communication.

After we went back and forth, she began to be more calm with ML as well. We had the kids that evening overnight and then she was supposed to pick them up from our house on Saturday morning (because it is her weekend with the kiddos). 

She slept in later than planned and was running behind. She told us she’d be to our house by 12:30. Then around that time called to say she was waiting on a friend and would be a little later, but would leave asap. Then an hour or so later called again saying she was still waiting. Well, by 3pm she was finally here to pick up the kids. I was laying down in the bedroom because I wasn’t feeling well and she asked him if she could talk to me for a minute. Right. Like I wanted to talk to crazy BM after the emotional week and not feeling well? But, I knew that if I didn’t she would take it personally and we could regress. So, I got my tired (and, honestly, quite nervous) behind out of bed and met her in the living room. 

She was digging through her purse and pulled out a small gift and put it in my hands. “This is for you to say I’m sorry for being so late today.” …..

….

….

I didn’t miss a beat, but my mind was so confused. I said thanks and then we proceeded to have a nice, civil conversation about being sick and the kids and her weekend plans and this and that. ML was in and out, wrangling the kids into the car. She was in no hurry to leave, just being very friendly and conversational. She apologized to us both several times for being so late and wished us a good weekend as she left.

After the door shut, we both looked at each other, confused. “What just happened?”

You have to understand. This woman hates me. Has hated me for well over a year. She has done her best to make my life miserable. Yelling, screaming, complaining, changing plans, changing schedules, refusing, demanding…. never once any sort of acceptance or kindness or any attempt to see me as a human being.

I am still replaying the day over in my mind. I am blown away. And yet, I dare not get too excited or hopeful. She will, no doubt, get upset again someday about something or other, and potentially fly off the handle again instead of calmly communicate like an adult. But… oh. my. god. the PROGRESS!! For real? Seriously? Did we just have an insanely positive interaction? Did she just give me a gift? For being late? On the day she had just been blazing mad about us not keeping them overnight? What? What? Am I living in the Twilight Zone?

The best part of the whole experience is that G1, the 9yr old, came into the house during part of our friendly conversation and witnessed our civility. Which, to this point, she has only witnessed her mother’s extreme hatred for me. All of the kids know she hates me and they prefer to not think about it. For the oldest of the pack to see this…I can only hope it begins a trickle of positive feelings and less confusion. Although, at this point, she’s probably just as stunned as we are.

I don’t know what to say. I’m not sure what to think. Or what to feel. But I am thankful. So thankful for this sign of progress. I never thought I would live to see even this day. Such hope this brings me.

Was it PMS or another step in the journey?

Likely it was both. Without a doubt, though, I recently went through a rough patch in my journey of becoming the best stepmom ever.

We’ve all said it, and no doubt we’ll all keep saying it - being a stepmom is hard. It’s emotionally taxing, it’s a lot of hard work and it’s full of very unique experiences, challenges and (don’t forget) rewards.

We care for our stepkids, we clean up after them, we make sure they don’t kill each other or burn themselves or break things, we cook for them, do their laundry and invest in their intelligence and emotional development. We take responsibility for them like they were our own. We give time, emotional energy, physical energy, money and more as though they were our own. And very often we get very little, if any, recognition or emotional reward for our work. They have no unconditional love for us, they may not even have conditional love for us. At least, in these early days, that’s how it is. And I know you can relate. Because we all can.

I’m recapping all of this because it helps explain why we occasionally feel like we just can’t do it anymore. There’s a lot of giving and hardly ever an equal amount of getting - and sometimes, it seems like there’s no “getting” at all. It’s a normal part of the circle of stepmom life and something we all have to learn to deal with - and, if I may be so bold as to say, learn to interpret completely differently. My instinctual response is still quite protective and emotional, but I have hope that I will continue to see more and more the benefits of my role as a stepmom and eventually someday hardly ever view myself as undervalued or un-rewarded.

Okay, so get to the story already, I know…sorry!

Well, a couple of weekends ago, the kiddos were over just for Friday night until lunchtime on Saturday. Everything was going fine until something in me just started to feel..off, I guess. I retreated to my room thinking maybe some time away would help, but I just felt more and more secluded and alone.

It’s hard for me to clearly express what I was feeling and processing. (Please understand that the emotions I felt were fears popping up, a protection mechanism, and not so much real and true emotions about my situation.) I started to feel more and more that feeling of giving without getting…and for what? For the relationship I have with ML? I feel like I hardly see him because he is busy with his kids, his kids who’s mom is crazy BM and not me. I felt like with everything I put into the kids and our time with the kids I still have no influence on them or their character or how they act. My efforts seemed immense and and yet futile. And then I started to feel that by choosing this life I had given up the life I really wanted - to start a family like a normal person - enjoying my husband and then having children TOGETHER one at a time… (Duh, you say… oh, but to feel it is so different than to speak it…) I felt a bit like I was mourning the loss of the life I’ll never have with ML.

Recently I’ve had several friends give birth to their first and second children, and just the week prior had spent time with my best of best friends, who had just given birth to her first baby. I have no doubt that it brought these feelings up in my heart - seeing her living the life I thought I wanted, and feeling very jealous of her and a bit resentful of my situation.

A night’s sleep did not shake my feelings and I kept to myself most of the morning, then when ML left to take the kids home, I left to spend the day with my sister (an unusual step for me on a day we don’t have the kids). He was fine with me going, but a bit concerned because it was an unusual choice. I was able to be totally open and honest with my sister about my feelings (thank God because she doesn’t judge!). But I still felt kind of sad about the whole thing. I felt like I had gotten a raw deal.

I realized that I really REALLY needed someone I could relate to, someone who I could share my woes with who really understood because they’d been there too. I needed stepmom friends. But I felt at a loss. I had no stepmom friends, and the friends I did have I didn’t even want to talk to because they have NO IDEA what it feels like. I came home still quite reflective and emotional.

FINALLY, I was able to open up to ML. It’s not easy to say these things to the man you love, who’s kids you love and care for…the man who loves you more than anything and wants your happiness more than anything. To tell him that you feel unhappy, that you maybe wish you had a different life…. geesh! Poor guy!

Now, that sounds more harsh than it was. I tried very carefully to explain my feelings and also how I feel it’s just part of the process of becoming a good stepmom. And, that a lot of it could be cured by having some stepmom friends I could relate to. We both shed some tears. And there wasn’t much resolution besides being heard. And him showering me with love and hugs and kisses and understanding.

But it helped so much to share with him where I was, even if it was hard to say. And I haven’t had those negative, sad, resentful or jealous feelings again since. But I HAVE been looking into local stepmom groups and online resources for support. I’m considering a subscription to Stepmom Magazine. Are you familiar with it?

You may read this and think I’m crazy. Or ungrateful. Or confused. Or whatever. And, that’s okay. If you can’t relate, I don’t really care what you think. I love ML, I love my stepkids, and I’m still determined to be an important, loving, influential part of their lives…and the best stepmom ever. I believe part of embracing that role and being the best at it as I can be, is letting go of what I thought I wanted and letting go of the expectations others have for me. It’s also letting go of the idea of “mom” and embracing the idea of what it means and what it looks like to be “stepmom”.

I have no doubt there will be more challenging days, weeks, months perhaps. But it’s a journey and a process. Just like the rest of life. What we take from it, how we grow (or not), determines our happiness and fulfillment in it.

And, would you believe, this last weekend (less than a week after my emotional breakdown) was the BEST weekend we’ve had with the kids yet. Among other wonderful things, when the kids arrived Friday night, B1 walked in, gave me a big hug and said “I missed you.” :) You can’t buy that. And later in the weekend B2 came running at me, wrapped his arms around me and said “I love you! With my whole heart!” 

There are ups and downs as in all of life, but the reality is I am building lifelong relationships with these little people. I am their stepmom and they are my stepkids. If nothing else, I have the opportunity to love them and make them feel loved - with all the benefits that come with that (like self-esteem, confidence, wisdom, etc etc).

So there you have it. :) What do you think?

Rules & Rewards

In a previous post, I talked about how ML and I had decided that implementing some House Rules and a Rewards system for the kiddos would help ease the chaos and give me some authority without it seeming awkward for anyone. I wanted to share an update on how we did this and how it’s going.

It took us some time to decide how we would do it and what our rules and rewards would be. We decided to start small and leave ourselves room to make changes over time as we got a feel for how everything worked.

Together, here are the House Rules we came up with:

1. Be nice to each other (this includes no hitting, no kicking, no pushing, no biting, etc)
2. Ask permission to go outside
3. Ask permission to get a drink or snack (they were getting into the fridge and cabinets non-stop like they owned the place and for some reason it was really tough to manage)
4. Stay in our yard (we don’t have a fence, and we have some wanderers…)
5. Clean up after yourself (this includes after meals, after play and cleaning up rooms before they leave to go back to mom’s)
6. Speak politely to each other (this includes no screaming, no name-calling, no inappropriate language, etc)

We decided to gather everyone for a family meeting the Friday night we started the Rules & Rewards. We shared our list of House Rules and then let them come up with rules they thought would be good. Here’s what we added:

• Respect each other’s space and things (this includes staying out of each other’s rooms when asked, returning toys if asked and not destroying or losing each other’s things…)
• Do what you’re told the first time (a coverall of sorts…)

We also created a Rewards board where they could earn “squares” that built up to certain rewards. We had a hard time deciding what those rewards should be and how much freedom of choice to give them, but ended up deciding that to start we would give them 3 milestones. When they get to 9 squares, they earn $1.00 that goes into their “bank.” Earn 9 more squares, they get an additional $1.50 into their bank. When they get to the end (roughly 12 more squares) they get a “Daddy Day” where they get to spend a day with Daddy without the siblings, doing something special. They all crave Daddy time, so we figured it would be a good motivator for the kiddos. We left out specifics so that we could modify and tailor those daddy days to each kid and our budget.

We made a list of things they could do to earn rewards, and we gave each of them 2 squares for free to get started. Here’s our rewards list, each earns them 1 square:

• Good behavior for the day (this means they didn’t lose any squares for the day and didn’t go into timeout at all)
• Clean your room and make your bed
• Do your homework (we’re considering a summer alternative for this one since they don’t have homework right now)
• Brush your teeth and put on your jammas
• Be helpful (this means helping Daddy or myself with chores around the house, or helping each other complete chores - this is a great one so far, because they don’t like doing chores but it’s giving them a sense of pride when they do which I think will help in the long run)
• Pick up the bathroom after your bath (includes putting dirty laundry in the hamper)
• Good behavior when we go somewhere

We decided our system would include rewards for these things, but also consequences for breaking rules. If they break a rule, they are reminded and told to follow the rule once. If they continue to break the rule within the same timeframe, they lose a square. If they continue to break the rule, they go into timeout. If they continue to break the rule even after that they are subject to Daddy discipline, which equals grounding. (I’m happy to report no one has needed discipline beyond a timeout so far.)

So on our debut night, we explained the new rules and the new rewards system and then they each decorated their name tags for the board. We put it all together and let them put their first 2 free squares on the board. At first they were really into it and excited and wanted to do things to earn squares. Every time we asked them to do something or stop doing something and they obeyed they asked for a square (ha!) so it took some time for them to completely understand how it worked.

The first couple of weekends they did really great, though we had to review the rules when they arrived at the house for the weekend. The next couple of weeks after that they weren’t as excited about the rewards and started losing squares more frequently. Then they were upset at losing squares and the older two tried to start a coup to end the whole thing, saying that’s what they do in school and it’s dumb to do at home. Well, we assured them we wouldn’t be stopping it anytime soon. Since then, they’ve really embraced it and while they still occasionally lose a square, for the most part they are doing quite well. In fact, G2 reached her Daddy Day last weekend, and G1 just reached her’s this weekend. B1 is not too far behind and even B2 is getting closer.

We have discovered that different things work for different kids, so it’s been harder to get the same results from everyone, especially the younger 4yr old B2. He’s an independent ornery boy anyway, but he’s a bit too young to be emotionally motivated by money or Daddy Day. We decided to stop taking away squares for bad behavior (although we tell him we are) and we use time outs much more frequently with him than the older kids, but it is still working with him and he is doing a much better job at listening and obeying than before.

On the whole, the system has greatly improved our times together. We all have clear expectations for behavior and consequences. Simply threatening the loss of a square can work wonders. We have worked hard to stay consistent - with our message and our methods. And I actually have some pull around the house without it seeming like I’m trying to be the boss. 

On the whole, the kids are much more calm when they’re here now. Don’t get me wrong, they are still loud and crazy sometimes, but it’s a more controlled chaos. They have more structure and I think that makes them more comfortable. AND they actually remember the rules and actually follow them without being reminded (sometimes!) - one big example being that they actually ask before they just open the refrigerator door - and it makes me so happy! We try very hard to recognize when they are doing a good job of following the rules and tell them right then that they are doing great and to thank them for doing great. Just this last Sunday (Father’s Day), we took ML out for ice cream and I was expecting some chaos, but they all did SO well, no yelling or screaming, no fighting, no misbehavior…even B2 managed to stay happy and obedient. I was so impressed I thanked them all while we were still there, passed out high-fives (which G1 thought was ridiculous, but I just tickled her instead which brought on laughter and smiles), and gave them all a square the moment we got home.

I would DEFINITELY, definitely recommend setting up a similar system for you and yours, whether your issues are large or small. Simply having everyone on the same page can do so much to make each day a little smoother.

Now we are thinking about how to improve our system, and allow a little more freedom in picking rewards, as well as incorporating more opportunities to earn rewards (through chores, etc).

What are your experiences with Rules & Rewards? I’d love to hear any stories or advice.

Happy Mother’s Day to You!

It’s a bit belated, I know. Please excuse me for that, but it was really difficult to find a free minute this weekend… :)

“Mother - noun - a term of address for a female parent or a woman having or regarded as having the status, function, or authority of a female parent”

Women who have gone before me in the crazy adventure in stepland warned me not to expect anything for Mother’s Day. They spoke of being overlooked and forgotten. Some said they had to take matters into their own hands to receive the praise they felt they were due.

I wasn’t expecting anything this year. I mean, I’ve only known the kids for a year and we’ve only lived in the same house for about two months. I’m not officially their stepmom, and bio-mom would freak if she found out they celebrated me on Mother’s Day so my expectations were none. Or so I thought.

The weekend came and I got messages, cards, calls and hugs from my friends and family who wanted to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day and let me know that I deserve to be celebrated. One friend even said “those kids are lucky to have you.” It was so sweet and already more than I could have asked for. So encouraging to know people around me noticed my effort and care (especially considering the weekend prior I spent cleaning up a 4yr old’s puke…after he projectiled all over me…). 

But, the weekend went. And ML made no mention of Mother’s Day in combination with me or all I’ve done, given and sacrificed already for these four little lives. No “thank you” or “great job”…

It was disappointing at first. ML seemed not to notice or care to notice my contributions and love on such a special day. BUT then I remembered the words of the ones who had gone before. And I realized a couple of things - it IS still early in our new family life, and he really DOES appreciate me and all the mothering I do (even if he forgets to say so!). So, he didn’t get sappy on a holiday…oh well! Not very long ago he told me that he couldn’t do this without me, that the kids are so much more relaxed when they’re here, that the chaos is subsiding, and that if we had our own child together he knew I would be the best mom.

You are appreciated. You are loved. You are a mother. And you deserve to be celebrated! You are an important and influential part of your steps’ lives and the choices you make every day - to put them before yourself, to care for them, to love them - that makes you priceless. And I’m positive they feel it and know it, even if they didn’t think to show it with cards or flowers this Mother’s Day.

Happy Mother’s Day to each of you!

A New Feeling

This is an interesting journey. Unpredictable. Roller coaster. Boot camp. Precious. Priceless.

I’ve been all over the board with my feelings. Sometimes I’m surprised by my initial reactions to certain situations. But I’m learning how not to be thrown off guard by a sometimes swinging group of emotions. I have to let myself feel whatever I’m feeling, but then take some time away, and it seems I always come to a calm place…whether it’s understanding or just acceptance. 

It’s seemed, to this point, that I have had to deal with frustrations - changes of plans, poor communication, intense lifestyle changes, chaos, etc, etc. Learning to deal with not being in control….of hardly anything.

But today… Today is a new feeling. Today my heart is a little broken. Because I have to miss an exciting and important day in G2’s little life. Today she graduates from pre-school. I was caught off guard by my sadness. I really am full of pride and I am so happy for her and excited to share her excitement. But because of BM’s absolute refusal to accept my participation in the kids’ lives, I have to stay home and miss this day. I want her to know that I am proud of her. I want her to know that she is amazing and smart and…

I suppose this is evidence of my growing relationship with the kids. And my growing love and feelings of responsibility toward them.

I am nervous, knowing my care for them will grow and our relationships will become stronger. I am nervous that there will be many days I have to miss, against my will. What is my place in these times? What can I do to express my pride, my care, my joy in them?

Like I said, it’s unpredictable. A new feeling, a new experience… Sigh. Have you been here yet? 

Thank God for a Man Who Communicates, Part Two - aka. Hijacked

“Hijacked” because that’s what this last weekend was. It was hijacked. By a crazy BM. What was supposed to be a weekend of “recovery,” us-time, and preparation for the upcoming week, became a weekend full of kiddos in my house again…all because BM decided she wanted to go out with her boyfriend and avoid being home so that we could not bring the kids home on Saturday morning as scheduled. She claimed ML had said he’d keep them for the whole weekend, which I know for a fact he never said.

And. I was angry. Oh, so very angry. At her. Because she tries to control so many aspects of my life (or so it seems). Because she is beyond unreasonable. Because I am so tired of dealing with her, of putting up with the bs she pulls all of the time. Because he didn’t fight it too hard (because he was happy to have more time with the kids, which I totally get and am happy with, but it just couldn’t overshadow the fact that she was “winning” some sort of imaginary battle of power).

I couldn’t shake my anger all weekend, no matter how hard I tried. And it kind of ruined our time together. What could have been a really good time with the kids, growing our relationship, setting an example, making them feel confident and happy, became a little tense, moody and barely manageable for me because I had this woman in the back of my head. And all I wanted to do was break something or punch a punching back or scream at the top of my lungs. The last thing I wanted to do was to care for “her” children. That’s right. I said it. It’s what I was feeling at the time. And it’s shameful…to a degree. But in the moment, it was really hard for me to see them as ML’s children and my “steps.”

ML was very patient with me the entire weekend. Doing his best to keep the mood light, the children calm and/or out of my way, giving me space and, the most important of all, not taking offense to my attitude.

I hated feeling the way I did. I didn’t want to be in that mood. I kept trying to slip away for a while - to the bedroom, to the store - to “right” myself and change my mood, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get rid of the underlying anger I had and it ruined me.

I don’t want to feel like that. I certainly don’t want to act like that. I don’t want to be a grumpy lady….aka. evil stepmom. I want to be happy and engaged and patient and fun. I want to enjoy the time I spend with the kids and forget all about how they came into the world. They deserve it. And so do I.

I am the kind of person who is usually very quick to understand, analyse and adjust my emotions. I am a very emotional person, but I usually have a good handle on the logical side of things too and can adjust quickly and responsibly. And it has been SO hard, because I just don’t have that at all in this whole situation. My understanding is limited and it makes processing on the fly impossible. It takes a lot of time for me to gain some perspective, process things and gain an understanding of what happened, what I think about it, and where to go from there. It’s frustrating. 

I was quite upset the entire weekend, right up until I got a text from ML saying he was on his way home from dropping the kids off on Sunday. Then, suddenly, I started to feel more calm. The hijacking was finally over.

We were able to get away for a bit that afternoon to visit my grandma and see a movie. It gave me some good time to shut my brain off from thinking about the weekend and I suppose process it all subconsciously. When we got back home I was able to open up. I am so lucky to have a man who listens, who gets me and who is so very patient and understanding.

Several things came out of our conversation, but I think, for me, the biggest was that I need to let go of my constant worry about BM and what she will think or say or do if I act one way or another. It really is ruining my time with the kids. Instead of being myself and sharing the good with them, I’m being reserved and nervous and bossy. I really think if I stop worrying about her and start relaxing and being me, the good parts of who I am will become a part of the kids lives, and our time together will be more pleasant. It really doesn’t matter too much what she thinks anyway, as long as ML and I agree that we are acting appropriately and taking things at the right pace and putting the kids and their emotional health first.

You know, he tells me he understands how it is hard for me to transition into such a different and overwhelming life. He says he doesn’t want it to be hard for me and that he hates that it affects me like it does. He says he doesn’t want to do it with anyone else, that he won’t do it with anyone else. That I’m the person, the woman, he wants here with him now on this journey. He says he loves me more than anything.

It means so much to me that he is understanding and patient. And that he wants me in his kids’ lives. That he respects me and values me so much that he wants me to be there for him and his kids, to be a part of this new life together. That does so much for my soul. And my perseverance. And my own patience.

Hang in there, girls. You are not alone. I totally get it. And I have faith we’ll make it through to the other side better for it, happier for it. 

Thank God for a Man Who Communicates, Part One

It’s priceless. None of this would work without it.

I am so thankful for the relationship I have with ML - and our ability to communicate with each other, honestly, openly, as long as it takes. Without it this whole thing would fall apart real fast.

After he took the kids home last weekend, ML brought me a beautiful bouquet of fresh flowers, took me to dinner, bought me a cosmo and we TALKED and LISTENED. What a huge relief all of it was. I was able to relax and get a lot off my chest. And, together, we processed the weekend and my current state of mind.

I asked him where he saw me in all of this…who he envisioned me being to him and the kids. He was a bit confused at first, thinking it was obvious, but as I pried more we finally got on the same page about my role in this family. It will be forever evolving and somewhat fluid simply because I am not the mother of these children and my relationship with them has to grow and develop naturally. But, it is definitely a role that involves responsibility and mentorship, friendship as well as discipline. 

The discipline part is a hard one. There are several day-to-day things that come up with four young children running about the house. Don’t do that, don’t yell at your sister, no hitting, ask before you get into the pantry, stay in the yard, time for bed, no really time for bed… As an adult in the house I have to have some kind of authority, and the kids need to know that I have it. But at the same time I don’t want to overdo it right away and seem like a mean lady or cause more rebellion than obedience. For a while, I also thought I had to think of how their mother would respond to my role in certain scenarios, but I’ve realized I actually do a better job of it all when she’s not on my mind. It’s been difficult to know when to step in and when to run to ML to get him to handle things.

You see, we both want things to progress naturally and comfortably for all, but we also both do not want the kids to view me as a “tattle-tale” or as more of a sibling instead of a leader and authority in the house. As we discussed everything that day, we came up with a great idea! We are going to make some house rules and a reward system, so that there are clear expectations that everyone is aware of, with set consequences and rewards for behavior. This way I can be more involved in the structure and discipline without it being uncomfortable for any of us. I also think it will help calm the chaos and give the kiddos a reason to want to listen.

After talking through everything together and coming up with some good ideas for moving forward, it’s amazing how much better I felt. I am usually someone who can very clearly understand my emotions and know what needs to be done to remedy a certain situation, but with all of this I’m somewhat clueless and it’s a challenge to deal with everything I’m feeling when it’s happening. I am so thankful ML is patient with me and willing not only to listen, but to do whatever he can to help support me and make things easier for the children and myself.